What Is Pre-Marriage Counselling & How Can It Help Your Relationship?
Your wedding day is just the beginning. It’s the conversations you have now that will make your marriage last.
If you’ve ever wondered, what is pre-marriage counselling?, closely followed up with, counselling is for when something’s wrong – not when it’s going well, you’d be mistaken. In fact, it’s the best time to take a deep dive into your relationship – when you’re feeling emotionally connected, secure and loved up – because when your bond is at its strongest you’re better equipped to tackle tricky topics, feel safe to be vulnerable and open to understanding your partner’s experience. All relationships require attention, maintenance, and direction to keep growing and running smoothly.
What does Pre-Marriage Counselling involve?
You and your partner will be sent a Couple Questionnaire to complete about various areas of your relationship, including communication, conflict resolution, partner style and habits, financial management, leisure activities, sexual expectations, family and friends and relationship roles.
You’ll get a copy of your unique Couple Report, ranking the above areas of your relationship from strength to growth areas, as well as an outline on your relationship dynamics, personal stress profiles and SCOPE (Social, Change, Organised, Pleasing, Emotionally Steady) personality scales.
You’ll get a workbook book to use as a guide to start discussions and to complete exercises in between sessions or after the course.
You’ll have four counselling sessions together, either in person or online, covering the growth areas you would like to discuss (either from the report or other), and exploring ways you can work together to improve these.
Common topics discussed in Pre-Marriage Counselling
Communication and Conflict Resolution
It’s a no brainer that communication and conflict resolution are at the top of most couples’ list when mapping out what topics to cover in sessions. The Communication section of the Couple Report measures how couples feel about the quality and quantity of their communication, as well as how they share feelings, understand, and listen to one another. The Conflict Resolution section looks at a couple’s ability to discuss and resolve differences, and measures how effectively couples share opinions, ideas, and feelings, especially during times of conflict.
In discussing these two areas, I ask couples to talk about what it usually looks like when they mis-communicate and what leads them to get stuck in conflict. I ask couples to use a recent example so we can map out the moves they both make when disagreements occur and unpack the meaning they make of their partner’s reactions, which in turn triggers their own responses.
This gives couples a guide to untangling some of the assumptions that get made when they’re in conflict and tools to send each other clearer emotional messages that pull each other close, instead of the usual result of pushing each other away.
Parents and In-laws
A couple’s relationship satisfaction can have a lot to do with each partner’s opinion of the other’s family, as well as the level of influence and/or interference that can be experienced from these relationships. It can be a minefield navigating how to keep everyone happy, and there will most likely be moments where that’s just not possible. When I work with couples on this area, I help them to tell each other about the underlying emotion that comes up for each of them when this plays out, and support them in finding ways to tackle this together, as a unit.
Sex and Intimacy
It can feel really hard to talk about sex, especially with the person we want to be having it with. Often we don’t know how to talk about it without it being awkward or unintentionally hurting or offending our partners.
We can worry that if we bring it up our worst fears will be confirmed. The ability to discuss sexual issues as a couple takes patience, a willingness to be vulnerable and a safe space to explore and express our desires. In this area, I start with understanding how couples talk together about sex, and if they don’t or haven’t before what does that look like. By helping a couple map out their sexual cycle, assumptions get aired and fears can be dispelled. This leads to more understanding on both sides around various areas of initiation, or lack there of, how each likes to be invited into the sexual space and what each partner needs to guard against feelings of rejection when your desire levels don’t align.
Often, prior to completing the course, it's not uncommon for one partner to be skeptical of pre-marriage counselling
And why shouldn’t you be? You’re in love! Your engaged! You’ve made it this far! All true and wonderful things. But I promise you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the gold nuggets you’ll come away with. You might hear something new about why your partner keeps criticising you for not packing the dishwasher the right way. You could learn a new way to cut conflict short and have more energy to get tangled in the bedsheets together. The possibilities are endless when you’re willing to be brave and sit down with your partner, and a complete stranger – albeit a warm, experienced and qualified one.
Like some help talking about these three topics and more with your partner? Book a complimentary 15 min Intro Chat with Natalie to learn more.